


A Library Full of Open Books

by penguinpatrolerarmy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Crying, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I don't say it outright but that's the author's intent, Libraries, Pining, Poetry, Post-Canon, Subtextually Gay Character, it's what they deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:55:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinpatrolerarmy/pseuds/penguinpatrolerarmy
Summary: Jared and Alana meet up at a library, where their intended conversation takes an unexpected turn
Relationships: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman (one-sided)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	A Library Full of Open Books

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like writing something in canon-verse at least once. So, Here's a quicky story about Jared and Alana.

Thursdays at the local library had become a regular thing for them.

The first time had been an accident. A few weeks after The Connor Project, they happened to bump into each other there and decided to talk about everything. Jared wasn't sure if he'd call it a huge emotional outpouring, it was clear they both still had a little baggage about it. But, it was enough for him and Alana to decide that they still liked hanging out and wanted to keep meeting. 

It was probably the most Jared had ever gone to the Library in his life. They'd meet up, trading off who would bring snacks, and do school work. But, now it was Summer. They graduated. They'd be going to college soon. And they still made an excuse to meet up. Right now, that excuse was discussing random books they had been reading and making notations of in their free time. Jared normally hated doing this, but when he wasn't being forced to by a teacher it was actually quite relaxing.

"So," Alana finished, "That's why I think Ray Bradbury intentionally meant for Will and Jim work both as narrative foils as well as close friends." 

Jared nods. "Okay, Beck, you've convinced me... Now, for my thesis on why the Carnival is a metaphor for the loss of innocence-" He dug through his book bag, pulling out an unmarked notebook and starting to flip through it... However, as he does, he can't find his "for funsies" dissection of _Something Wicked This Way Comes._

"Ah, shit. I'm sorry, I must've grabbed the wrong notebook this morning." Perhaps it served him right for having two identical notebooks without any sort of differenciated marking.

Alana looks over his shoulder. "What's this one for?"

Jared hides the pages, a little self-conciously. But, He trust Alana enough to be a little more open then he would be at the beginning of the year. "I took creative writing as an elective during Junior year, because I couldn't take programming 3 trimesters in a row and I was already taking sign-language so I could't take another... This was originally my notebook for that class, but the work we did wasn't enough to completely fill it, so um... Sometimes I go back to it and revise things."

"Oh, Really? That's cool." Alana says.

"I guess... Writing isn't really my forte, but sometimes there's an idea in there I don't completely hate. Or sometimes I get one I need to get out so I can actually focus on the thing I need to focus on and I'll scribble it down in there." He rubs the back of his neck. It's one of those secret Jared things that he doesn't normally like talking about. But, recently a lot of those parts of him became easier to talk about. Or, at least they were with Alana.

She stares down at the book, a little intrigued.

"Could I see some of them?"

He ponders this. "I guess. But, most of them are bad."

She frowns, opening the notebook. "Remember what we said about self-depricating?"

Jared sighs, leaning back. "Right, sorry... But, I'm not too proud of anything in there. Like I said, It was just to fill an elective spot and _occasionally_ just to get things out of my head."

Alana leans a little into his shoulder, probably not even realizing it. "Well, if it's as good as your book analysis skills, I'm sure you're cutting yourself short."

He chuckles. "If you insist."

Their previous disection is forgotten in favor of reading his crummy old Junior year flash-fictions and mostly forgotten tangents. Some more recently revised and retouched than others. Jared mostly made jokey remarks, as he usually did... But those started phasing out in response to Alana's surprisingly intricite analyisis of his work for something she was only just reading in the moment. He'd take time to recall what and how the piece came to be. It was strange, being on that end of it. But, a comfortable strange.

"So the bunnies are-"

"A joke about not wrapping it up, yes. Kind of an obvious one."

Alana hums. "I was going to say a metaphor for too many things piling up too quickly."

He pauses. "I never really thought about it that way, but I can see that angle too."

She flips the page, coming across a more recent entry. "So, this one's called _Until_."

His breath hitches. Alana must've heard it, because she looked at him in concern.

"Are you okay?" She tilts the book slightly as though to assure she only read the title.

Jared makes a little nod. "Yeah it's just... Um... That one's pretty heavy?"

"I won't read it if you don't want me too. We can just go on to the next one."

He fumbles with one of his buttons, thinking over it for a second. "It's personal, but... I wanna share it. I think it'd be good to talk about. Just, like, don't read it out loud? I don't know if I could handle hearing it."

She nods. "Okay, no reading aloud. Gotcha."

Alana pulls the notebook back up, and starts to actually read the words. She first notes how hastily it's written. Jared doesn't have the most legible penmenship, but this was chicken-scratch compared to most of the other pieces contained in the notebook. The title is the neatest part of it, and it was clearly written after. Still, despite the extra effort it will take to read, she presses on:

_Until_  
_By Jared Kleinman_

My body is dust.

Drifting slowly though each day  
The supporting role to the cast  
My life is uneventful, and I offer nothing of myself...  
Until someone asked.

That person was you  
For once, you said you needed me  
for once, I didn't feel bad about being with you  
Until it didn't last.

You crafted this lie, and dragged me in  
I let you do it, And I'd let you again  
I Lied for you and cried for you and if you asked I would have...  
Until I realized you wouldn't for me.

You couldn't see that I needed you, too  
I needed you like a junkie's fix.  
It's not like anyone else could hook me like you did.  
Until you got conceded.

You got everything you wanted  
And what you wanted wasn't me  
You got the girl, the life, the fame, and more  
Until I tell them the truth

...  
...  
...

But I can't do that  
Who would believe me?  
And even if they did, you'd fall from safety  
Until you broke your other arm

And I wanted to see that so bad.  
I want to watch the glass shatter  
I want your name dragged through the mud  
Until you have to change it.

But I loved your name too much  
I loved your stupid laugh  
I loved how you'd talk about trees  
Until you got embarrassed by it.

But I loved it  
I loved your voice too much  
I loved your face too much  
And I loved you too much.

I loved you

Until I knew you'd never love me the same way.

Even before the line about trees, it became apparent very quickly to Alana who the object of the poem was. Jared is looking down at the notebook, his gaze frozen and his body curled up a little more than normal. He meets her eyes for a moment, but they don't stay there very long.

"Did um... Did you finish it?" His voice is quiet, void of it's usual hint of sass. 

"Yeah."

He takes a breath, and sighs. "I'm still not..." He pauses. "I _can't_... It's..." His thoughts won't articulate the way he wants to. Alana wraps a gentle arm over his shoulders, rubbing her hand along his arm as he processes.

"...Did I ever tell you what he said to me that day?"

She shakes her head. "No."

He takes a breath. "He said he knew that the only reason I hung around him and kept myself at an arms length was because I didn't have any other friends... He _knew_ that was one of the reasons I was bending over backwards for him, and I still meant _nothing_ to him."

Alana can't find her own words now.

"I wanted to tell him _so bad_ , Alana. But, I was afraid he'd hate me if he knew how much I cared..." He sniffles, rubbing snot onto his sleeve, "And that didn't even matter because now he hates me anyway."

There's a slight whimper on his voice, and her other arm comes around and pulls him into a secure hug. And, Jared lets his guard down and leans into it. There's no point in hiding his feelings anymore, the book is wide open. Her head just rests itself on his shoulder as he sobs quietly in their corner of the library that no one else was ever in.

"I started putting the pieces together. Parts of the story with Connor weren't adding up, and I confronted him..." She mumbles, "He accused me of only doing this because I wanted another extracirricular for my collage applications."

Jared pulls away a little. "He _said_ that?"

Her body loosens. "I told him off... For not considering that I was doing this because I knew what it felt like? Wanting to dissappear... And I told him that he used to know what that felt like before he got all big headed."

He sort of wishes he had the guts to have done that himself. Alana had been nothing but kind to the two of them, and it was clear that The Connor Project was something she had a legitimate passion for (even as work got unfairly piled onto her). Jared runs a finger along her cheek when he notices a tear spill onto it. "...Guess this makes us crying buddies, huh?" 

They both share a chuckle. "I guess it does," Alana says. There's another moment of quiet. Just the two of them catching their breaths and recollecting their thoughts so they aren't as overwhelmed.

"...Do you still feel that way?" Jared asks, "Like you want to disappear?"

Alana thinks over it. "Not lately. Things still suck sometimes, but I have more to look forward to now."

He smiles. "That's good."

"...Do you still feel like dust?" She asks.

He gives it an honest thought. "Sometimes. But, now isn't one of those."

She smiles back at him. "That's good."

He collects his notebook, going to put it back into his bag... He sees something in there.

"...Promise me you'll laugh at this." He says, before pulling out an identical notebook to the one in his hands.

She does... And once Alana is laughing, Jared is laughing. And once they're both laughing, one of the librarians has to come over and ask them to quiet down a little. Jared puts his creative writing into his book bag again, and starts flipping through the newly brought out notebook.

"So, now, back to Daddiest of Daddies Ray Bradbury-"

**Author's Note:**

> As always, if you enjoyed this, leave a comment! I'd love to hear your thoughts :)


End file.
